I got my pathology report back from my double mastectomy and it’s good news. Dr. Matsen sent me a message letting me know as I was on my way up to see plastic surgery for my post-op visit. She said she was very happy we had done the mastectomy as another cancerous lesion was found in good old cancer-riddled lefty. She didn’t put it exactly that way but you get it. The lesion was 1.6 cm and was covert enough not to show up on imaging all these months. When I first got acquainted with the breast cancer online community after my diagnosis I’d seen it written that breast cancer is a sneaky bitch. And she definitely is. Even people considered “cured” of early breast cancer that is hormone driven, HER2 negative after initial treatment have a recurrence rate of 1 in 3.

This could be taken to mean that we don’t do enough initial scans for early breast cancer patients, or that our detection methods are not good enough, or that treatment isn’t thorough enough or like I said, breast cancer is just sneaky. I’ve had numerous mammograms, breast MRIs and two PET scans that failed to detect this lesion. I don’t think it grew overnight as they’ve tested my tumors and they have an “intermediate” aggressiveness, or growth rate. But I guess I’ll ask that at my follow up appointment tomorrow with Dr. Matsen. Although often the answers to my questions are unsatisfactory variations of, “It’s possible.” “We don’t know.” or “That’s less likely.” And that’s not Dr. Matsen’s fault. For all the progress we’ve made in learning about and treating disease, there is still so much we don’t know. But I digress, I’m so incredibly happy that my margins are clear.

I needed a win. I know the war continues, but this battle has been declared in my favor. Jeff held my hand in our darkened bedroom last night and said a prayer of gratitude and I cried. I cried because my breasts are gone, but so is the cancer that was there. I cried because I feel emotionally and physically maimed, but also spiritually stronger and more resilient. I cried because this is hard, but it’s also laid bare the love my friends, family and community have for me. April 25th, 2024 was the day I found out that I was mortal. Before the results of my PET scan death was a concept that I knew I would one day face…far in the future. Now I know it will happen to me, as it happens to all of us. When is the question, and one that I can’t dwell on because it gets in the way of me living the life that is mine. Right now. In this moment. With all this love around me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.