I know I’m smiling here in all my bald glory, but life is just kind of rough right now. On this day I took the girls up to Silver Lake and walked around. We saw a moose. It was beautiful. I was exhausted. As I am every day now.

I had my first cycle of Taxol last Friday. Jeff came with me. My oncologist walked in the room and after I introduced him she said, “He does exist!”. He’s been on the road a lot. Taxol works to treat the cancer in a different way from the other two drug combo I had 4 cycles of. The hope is by switching up drugs that at least one of the drugs will kill the cancer cells effectively. Taxol can cause neuropathy in your hands and feet so in preparation I bought some ice socks and gloves with extra ice packs so I can switch them out when they get warm. The idea behind cryotherapy is to constrict the blood vessels in your hands and feet so they won’t take as much chemo into that constricted area in the hopes that neuropathy won’t develop. It was a three hour infusion and Jeff was like Stockton to Malone with my ice packs.

The next evening my palms turned red and started peeling and my fingernails and fingertips were extremely sensitive. It hurt. The redness has mostly gone away, but the neuropathy in my fingers is still here. The ice gloves were a fail. But I don’t have neuropathy in my feet yet, so that’s a positive. The neuropathy can be temporary or permanent. I’m hoping mine will be temporary. I’ve got three more cycles of this drug and I’m worried. I keep asking myself if this drug cured my cancer would I be ok with the neuropathy being permanent…and I would. So we’ll just continue on.

The fatigue from this drug is not as acute, but it’s more chronic. With AC I was sleeping most of the day of, day after and third day out. Then the fatigue would start to lift. With Taxol I just feel tired. This morning I didn’t want to get out of bed and go to work. But I had to. Because we’ve got bills to pay.

In other news, having a bald head makes temperature regulation difficult. Hoodies are my go to at home. If I’m freezing I put the hood up. If I’m hot flashing I take the hood off. Brielle is my little buddy and will hang out with me even though I’m being sick and boring.

Brielle went back to school the beginning of this week. 8th grade. I can’t even believe it. She told me not to post her pics anywhere. Oops.

To spite my mid-chemo blues I’m still looking forward to life after all this. Cancer has a way of making you think about what you really want to do with your life. I haven’t figured it out yet. I do know that I want to be outside more, in the mountains and the woods. Walking amongst the fields. I know I don’t want to be in Salt Lake City for the rest of my life. I want to spend time laughing with my friends. Go out on more dates with my husband. Have more meaningful conversations with my kids. I want to be there for my siblings and my mom and dad. I want to live.