This week has been very tough. Each treatment has taken my energy levels further down. Usually on the fifth day after treatment I start to feel somewhat back to normal. Not this week. My Brie has been giving me plenty of snuggles and keeps reassuring me that I am still beautiful without my hair. However, my low energy levels has really cut into our Dutch bros & TJ Maxx runs which has bummed her out. “When are you going to feel better?” she asked me a few days ago. “When chemo is over,” I answered. “No, I mean this week,” she said in frustration. I just shrugged and gave her a hug.

Having my hair gone definitely affects my self-image. It’s been too hot to wear wigs, so I’ll throw on a baseball cap or a head scarf. Sometimes I go bald. I get a lot of looks, but I understand the curiosity. At work this week I talked to a woman with chronic health issues. She apologized for not having makeup on and then told her grandson to pull up a picture of her when she was all done up. She obviously was a master at makeup and looked beautiful. However, I told her she looked beautiful today as well. Her eyes welled up as she told me it’s hard to want to put on makeup when she doesn’t feel good most of the time. I told her I understood completely. And I do. Having cancer makes me more aware of all of the things that affect those with health issues. Sometimes we are just barely holding on as we struggle with not feeling well.

I keep reminding myself that I fought for this treatment course. When I don’t want to get out of bed, or feel sorry for myself – I asked for chemo. And it’s working. My lymph node in my left armpit has almost completely gone down. It was incredibly prominent before chemo. If I put my hands on my hips you could see the lump in my armpit protruding when compared with the right side. But not anymore. I’m grateful. Truly. Even if some days suck because I feel like crap.

Jeff continues to be my biggest cheerleader. I don’t know how I’d do this without him. He is my strength when I have none. He lies and tells me my face is even more beautiful without hair. He holds me when I’m scared. I know he feels bad for not being at home a lot of the time, but he is constantly concerned for how the girls and I are doing. And he provides for us when my paycheck has been less due to taking time off for the chemo infusions and recovery. His devotion to his family is incredible and I thank God every day for bringing him into my life.